I'm not sure why, but I've been having really hard time writing this blog post. So hard in fact that its taken me almost a week to finally get around to it (and then another couple of weeks to acutally post it). I put it off and put it off and if there is one thing I know about myself, its that procrastination is a sure sign that something is bothering me.
So let me go back a bit. About three weeks ago the Little Dude and I had a long awaited Doctor's appointment. Its been more than a year since his last allergist appointment, and we'd been referred to another allergist, closer to home, which is nice. And we wanted to get some more answers. But allergy procedures suck in general, and are pretty unpleasant when you are a little kid. So I was nervous about going, and was trying not to telegraph my discomfort to L.D., keeping the morning light with just a brief "no biggie" announcement about going to the doctor and getting re-tested. And off into the snow we went, favourite Asterix and Obelix book in hand.
And it was a nice office. Everyone was friendly. The Little Dude was excited to play with the toys in the waiting room, and we liked the nurse who did our intake. And we got to the hard part where they scratch your back and it swells up and hurts. There were some tears, but in the end it was managed and over and done with, he had a bit of cream on his back to stop the itching and some benedryl for the same, and then we read about the Gauls and the Romans and waited to talk to the Doctor. Who came to see us by and by, and told us something very surprising.
The Little Dude is no longer allergic to Wheat and Dairy.
What? Come again?
Yep, apparently he has "outgrown" those allergies. (no change on the nut r front. More's the pity as that is the worst of them)
But still, I was gobsmacked. No longer allergic to wheat or dairy? I was almost in shock. A great deal of my life for the last year or so has been devoted to cooking and baking food that has neither wheat nor dairy in it. And it was a bit of an uphill journey to be honest. It changed our lives in so many ways, and I've gotten quite good at it, and it has become a part of our lives. A part of our identity even. So.... what do we do now?
Well, we start eating dairy that's what. Because frankly, it was never so much the wheat that I missed. But the cheese, oh the CHEESE! And the butter! Don't even get me started on butter, I love it so. And now, we can eat it again! I drove us home, through the last snow storm of winter, hardly knowing how to feel about it. The Little Dude, who was not really listening as the Doctor talked (as he was busy being itchy and uncomfortable) was riding in the back, and I said to him "did you hear what the doctor said about your allergies?" "What did he say?" "He said you are not allergic to wheat and diary any more." "What?! Really? Did I outgrow those allergies?" he replied incredulously. "yep, you did," I told him "so what would you like me to make you for dinner?" I asked him "Macaroni and Cheese!" he replied without missing a beat. I'll admit that as I sat there, looking at his giant grin and hearing his chuckles of delight I started to cry just a little.
And so macaroni and cheese it was. And it was such a treat to smell the butter melting in the pan, to whisk in the flour grate in the cheese (two kinds!) add the spices and make a velvety, rich, slightly salty sauce to add the the macaroni. To cook it in the oven cool it just a bit and serve it to my little boys. That was the best part of all. Watching them eat it. I have NEVER seen them eat anything so fast. Dinner time usually involves a fair bit of cajoling ; requests to please sit down, please have another bite, please do some eating and not just fidgeting and messing around. But not this time. Every single bit was enthusiastically devoured and seconds were requested. It was a treat for everyone really.
But here's the funny bit. I feel happy of course that my son will not get congested and sick when he eats these very common foods. I feel relieved that I will no longer have to make everything from scratch and bring our own gluten free/diary free cupcakes when we go to birthday parties. I look forward to treating myself to convenience food every so often (freezer pizza) when the days are rough and I am tired. I am happy to be able to return to the tried and true comfort foods of childhood (hence the home-made macaroni and cheese). But I also feel oddly sad. And guilty. Guilt is never to far away from my poor little Calvinist-raised psyche, but I'm surprised to feel it in this instance.
So what I think I'm feeling is some sort of "survivor guilt". It is very hard to go Gluten Free and Dairy Free when you start. You have to rethink EVERYTHING, and it can be quite a struggle. And I struggled alot. I even cried a couple of times. But I worked really hard at it and got to a point where I was actually good at it. But despite that, I am relieved to not have to do it any more. And I feel bad about that. Because there are others of you out there who are struggling with dietary restrictions, limits, allergies and all the rest. There of those of you for whom dinner is an uphill battle, where every snack is a puzzle, and a birthday cake is somewhere between a challenge and a tragedy. And so I feel bad that I can stop struggling when you have to go on making substitutions and going the extra mile.
All that being said, I can now go back to cooking and baking how I always did. I can crack open almost any cookbook and cook almost any recipe without making substitutions. Its quite and incredible feeling. As the Little Dude would say "Its kind of blowing my mind". But this freedom brings with it a new responsibility. Because while taking wheat and dairy out of our diet was hard (and made me kind of crazy), it certainly made us all healthier. You cut out a LOT of fat when you can't just sprinkle cheese on anything. And butter, while I love it, and it is better for you than margarine, is not exactly health food. So I'm not going to add wheat and dairy back into our diet as completely as we ate it before. I'm going to try and go light on it. We have a lot of family-favourite meals in my repretoire that I'm going to keep making that don't need wheat or diary. When I made that requested Mac & Cheese for example, I used gluten free rice pasta. And it made no noticable difference.
Hubs birthday was just around the corner, so I decided to make him one of his faovourite cakes. A cake I would not have made over the past couple of years.A cake that is mainly dairy.
This is a family favourite my mom has been making for years. Its called an Orange Dacquoise. A Dacquoise is a cake made with alternating layers of almond and hazelnut meringue and whipped cream. In this case we make the meringue with only almonds, because that is the only nut that the Little Dude is NOT allergic to. And the whipped cream is flavoured with freshly squeezed orange juice.
It is an amazing cake; oddly rich and light at the same time.
And everybody LOVED it!
Here's the Birthday Man (birthday boy no longer seems appropriate now that we have actual little boys around) polishing off his piece.
and the Little Dude....
...seemed to be trying to eat his whole slice in one bite!
So there it is then. We can eat some wheat and dairy now, but I'm going to try not to go crazy. Except on birthdays, in which case all bets are off. And if you are struggling with dietary restrictions, I just want to tell you that you CAN do it. Even if I am not any more. You have my support, even if I don't know who you are. And I will still be posting gluten free and dairy free recipes from time to time, and am working on a nice gluten free scone as we speak. Ok, gotta go eat a stick of butter now. Just kidding.
Congrats to LD's outgrowing of dairy and wheat allergies! I miss neither, but man, I love my nuts: almonds, macadamias, pecans, lightly toasted walnuts, and the wonder of raw cashews! Knock on wood that nuts stay in my "streamlined" diet. Good on you for holding back on the dairy, except for special occasions.
Posted by: Karen | 04/22/2014 at 08:58 PM